I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
