dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The beer is more important than you right now.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
