i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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