I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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