go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my being single is dangerous.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
