He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
