I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
