apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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