I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
