i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
