Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
