i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
