Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
