i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
