There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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