mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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