If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
