My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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