i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
