I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
