I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
