what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
