my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
