I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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