I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You did what with his pubic hair?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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