Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
