just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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