you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
