He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
