I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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