Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
