walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
