So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
