It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
