You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
