I think scott just propositioned me for sex
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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