remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
