so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
