I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
