Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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