I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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