after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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