If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
