dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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