Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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