Can i not drive my cunt home
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
