Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
