I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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