You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
When did angry sex become our thing?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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