peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
